Useless.

I don’t know,

I don’t know how to feel anymore,

I have tried being happy, forcefully. But it just ain’t going right.

I’m starting to lose myself. Who I am or aim to become.

Everything is smooth sailing in my life, but still there’s an emptiness I constantly feel that needed to be filled.

Waiting isn’t easy. I know I should but slowly I’m losing touch with the inside of me.

What I have to complain? I don’t know what is it that I want or need. Searching deep inside, failing every single damn time.

What is it? Tell me. I need to know to get it right again.

Love? From a boy? Or a girl. I don’t fucking know anymore.

But perhaps I’m better off without anyone. It doesn’t make any difference.

I’m stuck between two worlds, or life.

I have been fucked too many times, isn’t there anyone who don’t, in any way?

I’m sick of people. Maybe I should just give up in putting any effort into them.

But why does it feel that I’m doing something wrong? What have I done to deserve this?

I have given my best, but it’s draining my everything.

Is the love that I offer isn’t good enough for you?

Why is it that you do what you did?

I can’t get my head around what you did.

But you have shown me your true self.

I’m sick of apologies, I want to see change.

I have no more tears to cry for anything at all.

After A While by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Thought I share this poem here. (Credits to Pam.)

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn
That love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of woman, not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down In mid-flight.
After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns
If you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
To bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
You really are strong
You really do have worth
And you learn
And you learn
With every goodbye, you learn.

Nothing.

I don't know whether anyone would bother about reading this, but, what the heck.

Sitting in front of my lappy every night has surely taken its toll on me.

I feel sad, lonely and I don't have a life.
Two years, spent my time searching for what's been lost after my high school years.
Hoped for something new but always hitting a dead end or a black hole that totally sucks me into depression.

Friends really matter, but never seem to end up with the right ones.
Can't really say much as the way things turn out can't be controlled.
Tried not dwell so much about life,
But it just eats you from the inside out,
Never stopping.
Once you realize, it has already made a hole in your heart.

Is it too much to ask for someone to be there?
Or am I that low for anyone to care.
Do I have to be significant enough for you to look.

I just want someone. Just one.
Someone close and willing.
But most importantly, I want someone to love.

Anyway, it's getting late.
I will go and cry myself to sleep like a pathetic fool that I am.
Goodnight.

Identities.

The character we ensure in us doesn’t matter anymore,

Only choosing on the ones,

Of what we know that suits the moments.

As it goes by,

Slowly drawing closer as one,

Not recognizing ourselves in the end.

We live our lives in a world we exist in,

Passing each day only hoping for something new.

Have you ever thought, that maybe our lives we have now could be better?
Thus taking the burden to make everything the way it should be.
Our life, friends and family are all that could be included.
Changing ourselves that we know doesn't always work,
If we don't know, what we want or need.

Wanting.

Please hear me out,

Tell me what’s going on.

You’ve gotta let me know,

That we’d never be the same,

All we have is here from now on,

Let’s start over.

My heart is longing for you,

I have never felt this way about love,

Once I have tried giving up,

You came changing my life.

I can no longer hide this,

But all we’ve been through has made it clear to me.

Taking this road that I’ve been through

Knowing we could never be true.

My body desires for your soft touch,

My mind becomes a blank page for you to fill up.

Your skin against mine,

A feeling I can’t deny.

I want to know more of you,

I could hold you in my arms,

I can’t stop thinking of you,

I miss you being next to me,

Never letting go,

So stay with me day and night.

Whisper you the things you wanna hear,

Fulfill the wishes you have in mind,

Needing you here with me always,

Looking into your mesmerizing eyes,

Hoping there’s no tomorrow,

We’d be together forever now and then.

Thirst.

Is this how we lay as we die?

Or a punishment for what we've done.

The air we take in is no longer the same,

No more are we heading the same path.

This road you took has made me despise you,

For my love,

You have taken for granted.

My affection is forever flowing

Towards the ones who longs for it.

My heart was once strong

But fragile,

It has become when I first saw you.

The walls you've overcame to win my heart,

I can't build them up again.

Vulnerable, it has turned out.

You have left me dry

Now I thirst for you everyday,

I need you like a bird needs its wings.

The things you have once said,

Rings in my head every night.

I want you by my side.

Waking up every morning to your bright facade.

Holding you in my arms which I long for everyday,

Never could I go through one night without flowing tears along my cheeks.

No more.

Never,

Never that I want you anymore,

This I can't get over.

You have once made me, who I am,

But now this bridge between us I have to burn.

I loved you,

Now can I only learn to hate.

I have done my dues,

For which you never did yours.

I should have seen this coming,

Guess I was too blinded by you.

I would never leave you nor abuse this love,

You'll have the authority to do so.

Less.

Life is beautiful,

When you are living it to the full.

So now can you see?

I'm begging you on my knees.

Falling for you I never should have,

Everything to you have I gave.

Your eyes for I can see again.

Only you could keep me sane.

Why do you have to be this way, my dear?

My sight is ever so clear,

Your name rings in my ear,

For when you are near.

Frozen.

For now,
No longer had I suffered what I first felt,
Not having you here with me.
I have endured this emptiness till it became numbness.

This,
Had made my world revolve ever so quickly, I can't feel shit.

My tastes has lost its senses,
My senses has lost its energy,
My energy has lost its power.
My power finally has ended my strength.
My strength made me lose everything.

Looking at the white cotton candies of the blue ocean up above,
Left me a feeling of eternity till it never end.

I can't help thinking of you,
But having you in my thoughts gives me no more life.
I can't help thinking of you,
But losing you is what I fear most.
I can't help thinking of you,
But I can no longer go on this way.

I have once left everything,
Putting a hold in my world to think of you.
My life was never once like this,
But all of you have completely changed my days.

Your name goes through my head like a bullet through my heart.
Like a stop to my senses.

Nothing else matter as much as you do,
I would give up everything to have you by my side,
Even though going to the ends of my world to reach you.

Trapped.

I can’t let go,

My soul is frozen by you so.

The end of this to begin,

I am caught in between.

This emotion I must resist to feel,

For this door should I seal?

I love and hate you so.

When you pushed me away with a no.

I want you for eternity,

How could this you can’t see?

Leaving is the way out,

But I stop in my pace in this crowd.

I look back at what is lost,

The things you have me cost.

Completely crushed is what I see ahead,

For what to you I have said.

I fell into this trap for I can’t see that you keep,

I am caught in this only you have the key,

And I need you to set me free.

I can’t let you go,

As this once I gave my soul.

Turning back no matter what I can’t do now.

Mess.

My soul longs for you,

My heart is meant for you,

You make me feel anew.

I want for you to be mine,

Why does it feel like a crime?

I know this will never come,

But I wish for it till my heart goes numb.

And it dies with a thump.

I thank God for this gift that He has given,

Every time I see his creation.

This is the worst,

It almost feels like a curse.

Why does it have to be this way?

My life is now left to decay.

You put me through this test,

Which I can’t resist this mess.

Why did I take this path?

Which I know I cannot pass.

My cross is no longer there,

Coz this pain I cannot bare.

I bleed inside not letting this get by,

Of this would only leave a scar and a cry.

This cross I once carry.

Without you, here with me.

I feel so alone,

Only you can make me whole.

Through my darkest days,

You never gave me a gaze.

If only you would look,

And from me this heart you took.

As you would live your life,

I stand watching from behind as my days I strife.

Towards you, closer I always hope to be,

Always and forever, against this world with me.

I close my eyes never to dream of you,

But visions of them, I wish they were true.

Shedding my tears is the only way,

I could put my soul to solitude for the day.

I can’t feel my senses,

Why with me you mess?

I can’t get you off my head.

In the end, leaves me dead.

But no matter what, I will love you always,

Like I said to you in this.

Numb.

For now,

No longer had I suffered what I first felt,

Not having you here with me.

I have endured this feeling till it became numbness,

This,

Had made my world revolve ever so quickly, I can’t feel shit.

My tastes has lost its senses,

My senses has lost its energy,

My energy has lost its power.

My power finally has ended my strength.

My strength made me lose everything.

Looking at the white cotton candies of the blue ocean up above,

Left me a feeling of eternity till it never end.

I can’t help thinking of you,

But having you in my thoughts gives me no more life.

I can’t help thinking of you,

But losing you is what I fear most.

I can’t help thinking of you,

But I can no longer go on this way.

I have once left everything,

Putting a hold in my world to think of you.

My life was never once like this,

But all of you have completely changed my days.

Your name goes through my head like a bullet through my heart.

Like a stop to my senses.

Nothing else matter as much as you do,

I would give up everything to have you by my side,

Even though going to the ends of my world to reach you.

Love.

You make feel content,

Like its heaven sent,

I felt something the moment I laid my eyes on you.

Now,

Thinking of you makes me happy like no other,

Thinking of you makes me say the words you utter.

Thinking of you makes me think of you,

Thinking of you makes me feel brand new.

Thinking of you makes my heart beats like I just ran a marathon.

Thinking of you takes up everything in my mind,

Thinking of you made me write this shit,

Darn it, I cannot even concentrate on anything.

It’s all your fault for being so darn amazing.

Hearing your voice,

Will make me grin from one ear to another,

Will make my heart skip a beat,

I’ll give up everything for you and to make you happy.

Not hearing from you,

Makes me worry like there’s no tomorrow,

Makes me lose craves for my favorite food,

Makes lose my games that I’m hella good at,

Makes me wanna drop dead on the spot,

And sleeping is the only way I could not be thinking of you and realizing it.

God, I hate these feelings that I get.

You,

Bloody 6-footer,

While I’m only a 5.

No, I don’t need a freaking chair to kiss you.

You,

Your face, which I would want to look at for eternity,

Your hair, blonde and which I bet is as soft as cotton,

Your eyes, makes me stare endlessly into it,

Your smiles, like sunshine to my boring world,

Your skin as smooth as a baby butttttt…

With six T’s.

Your lips, which I want to taste oh so badly,

Your scent which I know I’m gonna fall in love with,

Your body that I want to hold so tightly and don’t wanna let go.

Your height, which I don’t wanna talk about anymore because it makes me feel short.

But I love you as you are.